This life is not safe

Attempts .. have always been to me like a routine. Attempts to shower, survive and love. But I'm done.

I'm done with fighting. I'm done with existing. I'm done with the false notion that you need to be loved by someone to be worthy.

Scribbles (2)

It really is tough; this whole situation is. I’m not weak, nor do I want to be perceived as such. 
 But what’s happening is a bit much. I’m at work, no idea what to do and each thought can’t be acted upon.

 I need to study again, live again, love again. I want to be alone yet surrounded by kind people. Don’t get me wrong, I love this city. Maybe it’s the lack of money and because I live extravagantly, maybe I should work on that a bit. I don’t regret meeting the people I’ve met; I’m actually grateful, for they made me realize, I’m never complete.

 Is it a chemical balance I’m experiencing again? Am I ever gonna heal? Am I ever gonna be accepted, not just in love, but in every other aspect? Am I that bad? Am I beyond repair? Maybe I’m smart enough to ask these questions. Maybe I’m pathetic, too. I’m writing to the void because I have nobody to talk to. 

And, I know for a fact that soon enough I won’t be able to take it. Just then, will I cease to exist, literally. I might have hurt some people, but do I deserve it? My words are weak and vapid, but they have been burning down my soul for so long I don’t think I will ever recover. I had so much to give yet none had the will to receive my tainted love.

The taboo of being the girl with own brain, and a different "outlook"

It’s not exogamy that bothered them the most. I do believe it’s a deeper psychological urge that led to us being put under a microscope for scrutiny and such.

Booking the ticket was not the issue; embarking on the Egyptian traditions-laden bus was. We’d like to think of it as a funny little escapade. He’s a westerner, she’s Egyptian, in Egypt. The fact that it’s not the other way around made it rather fun, albeit two-faced.

 It’s mere hypocrisy to be fine and accepting for an Egyptian guy to be with a foreign girl/girlfriend, but to be with a foreign guy when you’re an Egyptian girl, it’s a taboo, especially if he’s from a different culture, set of traditions and rather liberal background.

Our first few checkpoints were smooth, and being chilled and very relaxed played a major role in that. The last one, however, was a little bit scary. They pulled us aside, asked about how we know each other. We simply said, “We’re engaged!” Horror took over these guys in uniform. My ID clearly states I’m a Muslim. So, how could that possibly be? The fact that he’s the blonde, rough-looking guy with a laid-back attitude made him the center of attention and consequently got me interrogated by a high-ranking official. Now, that was fun.

Official: Is he Muslim, too?

Me: He’s studying to be one.

Official: Does your family know?

Me: Yes.

Official: Does he have any Islamic books on him.

Me: (Right! Because we all go around carrying something to prove we’re more superior than others) I don’t know. You’re gonna have to ask him.

Official: Can you ask him for us?

Me: Absolutely.

Now, I don’t know how to put that, but being treated as a low life just because, is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

We talked heaps about this for so long and told friends who were scared for us, and even though we were laughing all the time, it didn’t make me feel any less bitter.

I know for a fact that if the shoe was on the other foot and I was the Egyptian guy, it’d have been a token of victory and pride. But my genitalia failed me, yet again, in this country.

Advice

Being classy and elegant is how you reward the exquisite beauty of life. Remarkable hospitality is how your sophisticated, urbane self is rewarded.

A friend of a friend

What surprised me the most is how real she is. Life for her is a matter of ego and self-revelation. She's got the inextinguishable inner desire to give. She's not a myth; she's just a timeless human being.

She begins in absolute chaos and darkness, in a bog or swamp of ideas and emotions and experiences, to come up with  her own philosophy. With endless burrowing a certitude develops which is greater than faith or belief. She becomes more and more indifferent to her fate as a delicate creature, and, more and more certain of her destiny as a human being.


She even says, "Sorry!", sometimes. 

She reminds me of something I've read for Bukowski, a while ago:

“Unless it comes unasked out of your heart and your mind and your mouth and your gut, don’t do it.”

And she does a lot of uncalled, unasked for good things to people, she loves.

Again, yes, she exists. She's the reason some of you out there regained faith in humanity. The very reason she might pull you out of your cold, dark hole.

Her name is Sahar.

Scribbles

So, what if you live in a Secular state?!

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?! Keeping in mind, you're a Muslim, the normal type, with rules, teachings, spiritual daily intake and reasonable variety of costumes that may or may not be familiar.

It's not hard to imagine, really, or fathom. Just, put the shoe on the other foot.

Are you set?!

Good! How does it feel?!

A bit weird.

Understandable. What else?!

Everybody's looking at me, sometimes, they mock me behind my back.

OK. I need you to portray some sort of obstacle, or a blow to the head, because of what you believe in

Hmm, nothing. I think that's all. But…

No, there's no "but" here. We're talking about a typical Secular, free, all-you-can-get-and-say, state. The one everybody-the stable ones- is talking about. You want to tell me that your only dilemma here, is mocking your beliefs, questioning your ideas and ideals?! So, they didn't lock you up, force you to have some beer, watch vulgar nudity to become a copy of them?!

Now, get back to the obscene reality. What do you see?!

I'll tell you. I, myself, see. A tribal mentality that turned the holy and scared into a joke. Interests became a scripture and this VERY scripture have little to do with the multi-personality disorder this society/body of right and wrong have.

Nobody couldn't take it away in the name of Secularism. Nobody desecrated your religion but you, nobody can.

From "The Open Boat

When it occurs to a man that nature does not regard him as important, and that she feels she would not maim the universe by disposing of him, he at first wishes to throw bricks at the temple, and he hates deeply the fact that there are no bricks and no temples. Any visible expression of nature would surely be pelleted with his jeers. Then, if there be no tangible thing to hoot he feels, perhaps, the desire to confront a personification and indulge in pleas, bowed to one knee, and with hands supplicant, saying: "Yes, but I love myself." A high cold star on a winter's night is the word he feels that she says to him. Thereafter he knows the pathos of his situation.

~ Stephen Crane